Dear Reader,
You are currently reading the first post of many to come.
This post is the offset of something new, something fresh, like a jar of honey being opened for the first time. The glass jar has sat in the cupboard in a cold room for many moons, the metal lid (finished with a red-and-white plaid square of cloth, with a little khaki coloured straw ribbon, as all rustic picture perfect jars of honey are) is fastened tightly around the lip of the glass, but time will only seal the aluminum tighter. A light emerges into the cold room, there is a gust of warmth. A hand grasps the jar and sets it upon a table in the next room, leans on the top and rotates until the red-and-white cloth comes loose and the lid budges a few millimetres. The hand is removed and travels away with the body, following it’s path as the honey sits in the warm air and realizes its long awaited future is now the present. This is a bitter-sweet concept: the honey now knows it has only so much more time to survive in its current state, a bitter reality until it is completely exposed, but now the sweet contents of the jar are out in the open for others to enjoy and utilize. I am the jar, my heart and soul: the gooey golden liquid, stiff from years of sitting, but warming up enough to be coaxed out, and eventually, poured. You, reader, are the costumer, waiting for the dish to be presented, honey-glazed in all of its glory. Welcome to the inner realms of my mind. This is your all-access pass.
So eventually, each drop of honey will be harmlessly poured onto the black keys of my beloved MacBook Pro from the depths of my heart, pumping surely, like the blood beating to the very tips of my fingers with each careful key-stroke. Each letter adds up to a word, each word builds up to be a sentence and then those sentences act as bricks, until a coherent thought is built. So aside from honey jars, bricks and such other analogies and metaphors, there is something that will emerge from the end product. I will get somewhere with these documented words. I promise.
And thats a good way to start, I think.
So writing to you today is not just a poet, nor a man or woman with anything more or less then an interesting way with words. Writing to you today, in this world of pop-culture, Bieber Fever, and other such phenomena is a transgendered youth. Yeah, that would be me. It looks almost foreign in text. When people are healthy and happy they always think, “Well, that could never happen to me.” Then cells become corrupt, health declines, and it becomes that foreign diagnosis which plagues what once was thought to be unbreakable, straightening out what we are, are not, and what we can and will become. When you suddenly realize where years of depression, self-hate and the sense of not belonging in a present state is coming from, it takes awhile before the facts that make so much sense sit calmly on a turbulent stomach. But anyways, enough about me, a human who is searching for salvation in a spectrum that doesn’t seem to have any happy mediums, and onto the purpose of this blog.
This blog is just as much for me as it is for all you questioning, unsure, sure-set or interested people out there in this big, crazy world. It is to document how I truly feel and how I think about things so I can look back and try to understand myself and the decisions I make. It is a way to let my partner, (and possibility my friends and family, in times to come) what is going on in my head, and hopefully explain the dysphoria and other quirks she gets to deal with because she’s with me. It is for all you people who have family, friends, co-workers or other figures in your life who struggle with gender identity, or break the common-day norms. It is for anyone who is wondering what it is they are feeling, for those wondering if they are the only one out there, wondering how to deal with such intense thoughts. You’re not the only one. If you think you are, stop worrying, because I am too, so that makes at least two of us in the world. So if we’re the only two, then so be it, at least neither of us is thinking these things alone, but I’m sure that there are many more of us, in fact, I am positive.
Enough rambling, I don’t want to scare anyone away. I’m not always this longwinded. Promise.
So, wrapping everything up… I am going to try to make this a daily thing, but I’ve been trying to start it for two weeks with no luck, so we will see how everything goes. Congrats on finally creating a first post, me. I plan to post videos, photos, links, my own personal experiences and thoughts, and eventually you will get to know me, and maybe I’ll even get to know myself, and some of you as well.
Anyhow, I’ll let you go now. I hope you all are doing well.
~S.
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